NAKM: Nov. 15, 2024

A.I. Can Not Make Art

Behold! I present to you ART created by a PERSON!

I hope this new banner greets your weary A.I.-strained eyes. I’m sure you’re as tired of the over-glossed, under-polished images that generate A.I. cranks out.

The change is my line in the sand as we face an onslaught of machines who seek to replace human creation by replicating human creativity.

That's why I pledge not to use A.I. -- EXCEPT for proofreading, locating a specific word I'm trying to say that I cannot find in Word Hippo, and making pictures that annoy everyone in my fantasy football text thread when I should be writing.

I made the old banner, with the annoyed dad on the couch and the explosion of Tatooine blue milk, using ChatGPT. It served as a placeholder while I awaited my new banner, skillfully handcrafted by brilliant and talented Portland artist Ben House.

Ben is an illustrator. He draws, erases, draws, erases, crumples up paper, draws, erases, crumples, and draws until he gets the image he wants. I'm a writer. There's much less paper crumbling, but I erase and rewrite until I get the words I want. We refine. We craft.

My process of curating words, refining sentences, and injecting mediocre jokes into each section imbues my newsletter with heart and soul. Sure, I could aggregate new streaming content from a Netflix news release, embed video news clips from Entertainment Tonight, and have A.I. fill in the blanks — but damn, that's boring. For you and me.

As humans, Ben and I have limitations. That's what makes what we do cool. We refined our skills through hard work, trial and error, persistence, and inspiration. Our inspiration comes from other people who push themselves to be incredible.

In Portland in 2021, I watched Damian Lillard single-handedly push a playoff game into double overtime, reigning threes from all over the court. Along with more than a hundred of my best friends (complete strangers), we hoisted our mugs, cheering at each stat-defying three. Dame inspires because he's our height. He, like most of us, is no high-flier. But he's tenacious and worked hard to become elite.

Imagine me and more than a hundred friends (complete strangers) arm-in-arm cheering on a robot making those shots. Sure, it's mildly neat that scientists spent a year programming a robot to hit threes from NBA range. But when the ball goes in, does it matter? No.

You know what matters?

* John Lennon shredding his vocal cords to record Twist & Shout.

* Simone Biles landing the first-ever triple-double.

* Shirley Jackson crafting the first paragraph in her book The Haunting of Hill House.

* Gustav Klimt defying personal tragedy to celebrate love with The Kiss.

* Dame going God Mode.

These people are incredible because we dreamed of doing what they did while singing karaoke, hopping a fence, taking a screenwriting class, doodling in class, and shooting jumpers in the driveway. We are in awe of their achievements, given their limitations as human beings.

A.I. is a funhouse mirror reflection of humankind. It can create something sorta neat or funny. But it's only a reflection of our exterior, never of what's inside. Our human hearts, our human imaginations, our human inspirations, our human limitations are what make our human performances amazing on any level — from a Nerf hoop to lunchtime pickup ball to the NBA playoffs.

Twice a month, I tap into my limited human brain to handcraft lists of new movies, reviews, news, recommendations, and drinks. I will not utilize A.I. for any creative function except to watch my back and make sure I don't accidentally type How to Bang Your Dragon.

I do not hate A.I. It can be used for the good of humankind by accelerating medical research, mitigating climate change, and speaking the binary programming language of moisture vaporators.

Also, for the good of humankind, please help me build my human following. Share this email with dads, moms, grandparents, workmates, cellmates, parole officers, and anyone who loves movies.

And thank you, Ben, for pushing your human limitations to make something uniquely you.

Brendan

Subscribers, please share with friends. Friends, please subscribe. It’s free!

Pint-Sized Review

Hitpig

In Hitpig, every character is the comedy relief. Every joke is a swing for the fences. Some movies make that work. Hitpig does not. The quips, pratfalls, bits, and gags are not funny. It’s like the studio decided not to rewrite or punch up the script...at all.

Or worse, they did.

The characters are derivative of funnier contemporaries. For instance, the villain, played by Rain Wilson, is a meager ripoff of a dozen or so Will Ferrell characters. 

The jokes feel stolen from Mel Brook’s computer recycle bin. Quick, come up with a one-liner about pigs. Something about ham or Spam or bacon. I'll wait.

⏳⏳⏳

Got one? Say it out loud. Yep. It's in the movie. Plus 23 more.

Hitpig tries to make you care. But the moments aren’t earned. Characters make decisions without clear motivation. There’s not much character development. They show up, say their jokes, try to be endearing, then fly, run, fall, or shuffle off camera. 

The plot is as predictable as the characters. Hitpig (that’s his actual name) doesn’t tell his newfound friend that he’s a bounty hunter. Guess what happens. Yep. That’s the movie.

And the music? Every needle drop is exactly the song you’d expect to drop at that moment.

There are no surprises. There are few laughs. My girls laughed twice. Once each.

You don’t need to see Hitpig in the theater. You can wait to check it out with your kids on the couch. They’ll enjoy the silliness. You’ll need to fortify your senses with as much booze as you can handle. Maybe after a sixer of double IPAs and a few chasers of Makers Mark, you’ll laugh once or twice.

In theaters: Not for long.

Rating: PG (Me: 6+)

Director: Cinzia Angelini, David Feiss

Starring: Way too many talented people to be this blah

Run time: 1:26

Post-credits scenes: No

Bathroom breaks: Does it matter? RunPee doesn’t even list the movie.

Sequel? Doubt it.

If you liked Hitpig, check out these films:

• Bolt (2008)

• Turbo (2013)

• The Bad Guys (2022)

• Guardians of the Galaxy (yes, it tries to be GotG in parts) (2014)

Fresh Cuts

The latest family films to hit all screens. Not all are winners. Watch at your own risk!

In Theaters 📽️

• (Nov. 15) Ghost Cat Anzu

• (Nov. 15) Red One

• (Nov. 22) Wicked

• (Nov. 22) Flow

• (Nov. 24) Pom Poko (Re-release)

• (Nov. 25) The Tale of Princess Kaguya (Re-release)

• (Nov. 27) Moana 2

On Disc 📀

• (Nov. 19) Beetlejuice Beetlejuice (10+)

• (Nov. 19) Godzilla Minus One (10+)

News You Can Use (and Sometimes Booze)

All the new trailers, cool collaborators, tech and gadget releases, theater openings, and booze news that’ll make or break your family movie nights.

• A.I.: Directors use credits to discredit use of generative A.I. in film.

• Contracts: Animation guild marches at DreamWorks, pushing for new contracts before December 2nd expiration.

• Theaters: AMC plans major upgrade in theaters.

• Streamers: Disney+ to allow users to pause their subscriptions instead of cancelling, like Netflix and Hulu.

• Star Wars: Rey likely to be focus of next Star Wars trilogy.

• Christmas: Disney releases charming new four-minute Christmas short (*cough promo*) directed by Taika Waititi.

• Beer: Beer drinkers have worse diets than those who drink wine and liquor. Duh.

Let’s Get Rec’d!

Check my list before you wreck yourself next family film night.

Keepin’ It Real

Martin Short is a funny person. He can make you laugh with his clever line delivery and theatrical acting.  But there’s something about watching him repeatedly pummeled by life that gets better as the film goes on. It’s like a Super Smash Bros. hit combo that builds until the slightest flinch or poke has you and your kids howling. You laugh yet still cheer for this man to find a path that won’t try to kill him. Pure Luck is charming fun that’ll inspire a chorus of giggles and guffaws from kids of all ages. Despite being fantastic, no streamer currently carries Pure Luck. You’ll have to rent to watch this comedy classic.

Kickin’ It Old School

Despite the efforts of the Jackass cast, there is no Buster Keaton of our era. The stunts in his movies will leave your jaw agape. You’ll constantly wonder, ‘How did he pull that off?’ Roger Ebert says it best: “He seems like a modern visitor to the world of the silent clowns.” The General is Keaton’s best from his catalog of comedic masterpieces. Yes, it’s black and white. Now is the time for your kids to get over that. Sit them down. Don’t tell them you’re watching a movie. Say you’re watching a stunt performance. The story is almost secondary, anyway. When the stunts get going, they’ll want to see what Keaton does next. You will, too. This is your Trojan horse into a deep well of non-color (and non-sound) classics. Stream The General on Prime, Kanopy, Tubi, The Roku Channel, or YouTube.

Secret Sauce

Many animators preach about the purity of the pen and shy away from computer animation. Not director Makoto Shinkai. He embraces computer graphics to create worlds that are vibrant, beautiful, and alive. Suzume is his most kid-friendly offering. It’s about a teen girl who turns her life upside down to close otherworldly doors before the forces inside them destroy her world. I saw this in the theater when it came out. I was stunned. Don’t worry; it’s still impressive on your big screen at home. Suzume is streaming on Netflix. I recommend you check out Shinkai’s other epics: Weathering with You and Your Name.

For Your Eyes Only

What to watch after THEY go to bed.

Sorcerer (1977)

A movie with this name, directed by the man behind The Exorcist, suggests horror. Sorcerer is not horror. There are no witches. There is nothing supernatural. Though you may be paled by the tense backstories that blur good and evil — and the slow-burning, glycerin-fueled climax that grabs hold of you and drags you through the jungle. Sorcerer is about four men on the run from the law who are given a shot at redemption with their lives on the line. This is a tough movie with grit and character. No frills. No green screen. Real sets. Realistic camerawork. And tension. Sorcerer oozes tension. It would be better known if it didn’t come out the same weekend as Star Wars: A New Hope. To see this forgotten masterpiece, you’ll have to rent or buy it.

Stir Things Up!

There’s a full moon this November 15th. A perfect night for Family Pack — a werewolf family film I reviewed in my last newsletter. And as the moon lights the night sky, you can get your family film night howling with this frothy cocktail.

Howling For You

Ingredients:

• 2 oz vodka

• 4 oz ginger beer

• 1 oz blood orange juice (or regular orange juice, if unavailable)

• 0.5 oz fresh lime juice

• 1-2 dashes of Angostura bitters

• Crushed ice

Garnish:

• Lime wheel

• Optional: Blood orange slice

Instructions:

1. Cast: Fill a mule mug (or a highball glass) with crushed ice.

2. Awaken: Pour in vodka, blood orange juice, and lime juice.

3. Growl: Top with ginger beer. 

4. Transform: Stir to combine.

5. Bite: Add a dash of Angostura bitters.

6. Slash: Garnish with a lime wheel and a slice of blood orange.

7. Howl: Enjoy under the full moon!

Cheers!

The Man Behind the Mask

Thanks for reading and subscribing!

I am a former television news journalist who now writes about movies, parenting, and tech online (and occasionally on paper). My number one job, though, is making sure my girls grow up with steady heads on their shoulders. I think our shared movie nights have a positive impact on their self-esteem and develop an awareness of the world around them. I relish every night — except for maybe Baby Geniuses. I got through that one with my good friend George Dickel.

Brendan Knapp